saturday evening

I slept until 12:30pm in the afternoon. I didn’t get dressed until 3:30pm. It’s now 7pm. I’m sat now at the kitchen table, smelling banana bread baking and seeing the school outside my window gleam gold in the dying sun. Scott is sat opposite me, resting his chin on his hand –

and I got distracted and his laptop needs to charge so now he’s sat further away from me on the sofa under the window, lit by the screen he frowns at. The guy next door or in the flat below aggressively strums his guitar, like he’s practising for his Mumford and Sons concert next week.

This is the setting for tonight’s anxiety. I slept through the morning, woke up with no energy to stay awake, kept falling back asleep. I flitted between listening to Flight of the Conchords to watching a film I didn’t enjoy to debating re-downloading social media apps to my phone. I accomplished very little indeed. So now banana bread is baking in the oven.

This is a period of big life change. Yes, again. I was writing very similar things this time last year. I’m finding a place to live, reducing my hours at the full time job I’d become comfortable in and, probably most excitingly, starting a masters degree in a subject I really care about. These are challenges that I need to solve which this time last year caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety. And I’m definitely not going to sit and here and type out how much better I am at handling change than last year or how much my life has improved – that would be false and also a little bit patronising.

Life doesn’t seem to work like that. It’s not a line drawn endlessly upwards, only ever improving. It’s far more cyclical. Back in May and June, I was feeling noticeably settled. A few months later and everything’s up in the air. The good thing is, however, that this time around, I kind of know that things will be okay. Things will actually sort themselves out and that’s not just a phrase my mum uses to calm me down. This period is daunting but it will be fine and it will end and stability will come again.

The sun’s disappeared, leaving behind a pale blue sky. Night draws in again.

 

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