There must be people like me out there, the ones who haven’t found something to which they’re passionately devoted. We have not discovered our true purpose in life, our calling. The theme of our blog, even. Rather, we’re interested in lots of different things across genres and activities and flavours; it’s as though tiny hands are grabbing at each part of us, yelling “devote your time to me! Spend time on me! I’m worth that! You’ll become the greatest (insert activity here) there ever was!”
I’ve started learning to code. I’ve read and watched classics and contemporary. I’ve listened to so much music. I can draw. I can bake if I choose and I can cook (sort of). I have phases only about the condition of my hair. I’ve forayed into the land of exercise, swimming and running and yoga-ing sporadically. I love learning about the sea and space and nature documentaries pile up on My List on Netflix. Climbing up hills and walking by the beach and visiting cities and travelling fill me with joy but I love being home and a routine keeps me right.I love seeing friends but time alone does me good, and my family and my boyfriend are important parts of my life too. I’m sure many people share these feelings and probably more.
Sometimes it can feel as though there’s too much and yet excluding any of them is a sad prospect. I’ve mentioned this before but I feel a great pressure to choose. To choose my interests, my career, my living situation, my future, all of these things hang in the balance. And although Plath’s fig tree metaphor from The Bell Jar is a bit of a cliche now, there’s a reason for that. I feel like specialising means I will miss out on a lot of other things. Focusing on doing one thing at any time is difficult because those hands reach out again and whisper in your ear in a wheedling voice, “you should be paying attention to me instead. You’re wasting your time. Think of everything else you could be doing with this time.”
(How great is the word wheedling by the way?)
This is fine, I guess, when it’s something like hobbies that I’m not really committed to (shockingly enough). But it often gets in the way of actual university work and with my dissertation looming, and by looming I mean it’s just standing on my head now, jumping up and down yelling “you’re shite!” over and over, I really need to be able to put everything else aside and focus on one thing at a time. Trying to clear your head is tough and requires some self-discipline which, just to clarify, is not the same as beating yourself up. Usually I just have to clear my desk, make a cup of tea, argue internally with that wheedling voice and negotiate a truce, telling it that yes, I could stop reading this text and go make a Caramac cheesecake but then I’d have to go and buy Caramacs and that’s not a very effective use of my time right now, okay?
Anyway, that’s what I’ve been thinking about. If this blog seems chaotic, disorganised and a bit like Scrubs when JD daydreams and then says something aloud about it and everyone’s confused, that’s pretty much me. Every day. All the time. So it seems appropriate that I’ll just talk about whatever I’m focused on at that point. I think this is the way to combat indecision: don’t decide. Just do stuff and see what happens.
Isn’t that an eloquent note to end on?